| Author | Message | ||
| Cary
New member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 16 Registered: 07-2005 |
Lighting up the darkest desert, stars blossom with an intensity that invites the eyes to roam like bees. Compelled to pollinate, they oblige a thousand flickering tongues of light before the clouds come like smoke. Tonight my eyes will dream of flowering constellations. Their dance will speak of distant honey. In the morning I will wipe the starstuff from my lashes and release this hive of eager words. C. Kelly (Message edited by ponderlust on July 18, 2005) (Message edited by ponderlust on July 18, 2005) | ||
| Supafly
Advanced Member Username: supafly Post Number: 86 Registered: 11-2003 |
hah, nice imagery. I think I know that feeling. | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 1279 Registered: 08-2003 |
Cary another lovely work from you. In S1, I think you could make the simile more subtle. I might also consider different line breaks in the first 2 stanzas Lighting up the darkest desert, stars blossom with an intensity that invites the eyes to roam like [a pair] bees. Compelled to pollinate, they oblige a thousand flickering tongues of light before the clouds come like smoke. Tonight my eyes will dream of flowering constellations. Their dance will speak of distant honey. (beautiful!) In the morning I will wipe the starstuff from my lashes and release this hive of eager words. (Good end) Also with "flickering tongues" do you mean the calix of the stars? I wasn't quite sure of the imagery suggested. Hope this is helpful for you. E | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2477 Registered: 07-2002 |
Cary, These stanzas shine: Tonight my eyes will dream of flowering constellations. Their dance will speak of distant honey. In the morning I will wipe the starstuff from my lashes and release this hive of eager words. In fact, your whole poem is already there, without the first 2 stanzas. best regards, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Cary
New member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 18 Registered: 07-2005 |
Supa... If that feeling is being absolutely mesmirized by the blossoming night, yes, that feeling is a common acquaintance of ours. Thanks for coming. E... Sublety is definitely missing here. That tattle-telly feel (aka a reliance on simile), is something that I'm keenly aware of, but in this case, I thought I'd just let it BEE.  As for the line breaks, I've noticed that the margins in this forum are a bit narrow and therefore find myself at the mercy of narrow parameters. However, if you see better breaks that are within my grasp, I'm always all ears. Good call on losing the "pair" in S1. I had pondered it off an on... and will more than likely go with your suggestion to lose it. Lastly, those flickering tongues of light is basically my way of saying "light is an enormous tongue"... While a calix does somewhat fit the aim, I had hoped to parallel the idea that a flower's aroma can also be pictured as a tongue since it beckons the bees like a seductive lover. Thank you immensely. Cary... | ||
| Cary
New member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 19 Registered: 07-2005 |
LJ... A pleasure to meet you and thank you for reading my work. You know what? You're absolutely right about the last two strophes! They stand as a complete work by themselves. I hadn't really noticed that... but then again, brevity is something that often escapes me. Cary... | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 3736 Registered: 11-1998 |
Beautiful work, Cary. The most striking image for me was the eyes roaming like bees. I don't think that would have come to me in a thousand years, but the comparison was apt and thought-provoking. I truly appreciate poems that are written this tightly and keep their focus on the theme. You do that very well, Cary, very well. | ||
| Cary
New member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 26 Registered: 07-2005 |
M... To receive such gracious returns as yours is a poet's ultimate payday. I very, very much appreciate you for coming and for helping me justify my slightly skewed view of the universe. "There's no money in poetry... but there's no poetry in money." Robert Graves Cary... (Message edited by ponderlust on July 18, 2005) | ||
| J Christopher Hungerford
New member Username: j_christopher Post Number: 49 Registered: 09-2004 |
Dollar Atheist I’m an atheist of the dollar bill I’ve never believed in green promises and never will … who says there’s no poetry in money. lol | ||
| Cary
New member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 27 Registered: 07-2005 |
Touche` JC! LOL! Cary... | ||
| J Christopher Hungerford
New member Username: j_christopher Post Number: 50 Registered: 09-2004 |
I was out in Joshua Tree Park a while back, and the silence and the stars combined with the air – made the most beautiful melody. The desert – a place you might expect to be empty, is in fact one of the rare places you will find to fill yourself. The stark landscape is amended only by the stars and the sound of wind… and the vibration of your own thought… which in my opinion makes it the perfect place to find yourself. Well, this made me think of that… and I should wish to go back there again sometime | ||
| Cary
New member Username: ponderlust Post Number: 28 Registered: 07-2005 |
JC... Yes, there is something quite spiritual about the desert in contrast to its unforgiving day side. What I most love about the desert is its resourcefulness and how it makes the most of every bead of mist. Thanks for telling me what this reminds of. Cary... | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1104 Registered: 11-2003 |
very lovely work Cary, glad to have read this and congrats on a HM laurie oh the last part reminds me of Bly's fairly new book? "the honey of words" |
